The Difference Between a Manager and a Leader

He finally landed his dream job. Big global firm with a prestigious name. A title that he believed would open doors for him. He felt proud of the success he had achieved. It's been years in the making, and now the moment has arrived.

He's read many leadership books. He knew that he wanted to be better than all the previous managers that he had. He was different. He was special. He knew and they didn't know.

His family were thrilled for him. His mother couldn't be prouder of the man he has become. He knew this because she told him. He was making more money and believed this was just the beginning. He loved suits, so he bought new tailor made suits and expensive Italian ties. 

He carefully ironed his white bespoke shirt one morning, making sure that every crease was perfectly pressed. He put on his brand new blue suit, popped his cuffs and smiled as he glanced at himself in the mirror. He was on his way to his first day as a manager.

He arrived at his new office, feeling and looking sharp. He walked into the office building and headed straight to the reception while his heels echoed with every step he took. He asked the receptionist where he should go, and she pointed him in the right direction.

He arrived at his floor and was welcomed by everyone. It was everything he ever wanted. He felt respected. Admired. And even welcomed some of the jealousy he felt was coming his way. He embraced it all!

He took his seat and was ready. Nothing could stop him now. All new managers had to go through a week of training. He went, although he believed that he knew more than everyone else.

He told himself that it was a waste of time, and that he belonged on the desk. He checked his emails constantly, and would go back to the desk whenever he had a break. Needless to say, he didn’t take the training seriously.

Months passed and at his first annual review, he was shocked to learn that his performance was rated as subpar. He had no idea what had happened. He worked hard, did everything that was asked of him, and thought he was a top performer.

He ignored the annual review. It's just the first year, he told himself, and he never asked for help. He believed he could do it all on his own because, how can a manager ask for help? 

But he couldn’t handle it all. He struggled. His line manager saw it, and his confidence was shattered when junior members also flagged his performance. No one saw him as the best manager in the world. 

The following year he worked even harder, but when the next annual review came, he was rated even lower! It seemed like everything was falling apart. Was he on his way out?

What I just described to you is a true story. That new manager was me.

The problem in the corporate world when people become managers.

When I took the role of a manager, I never knew what it meant to be a manager. I thought it was about keeping an image and impressing everyone. I thought it was about telling people what to do, because a manager knows everything. I thought it was about keeping emotions bottled up inside, because managers never show any vulnerability.

I thought it was about doing everything without asking for help.

When I became a manager, I thought that I needed to be a superhero. That's why I was hired, right?

It was only many years later that I knew exactly what I was experiencing. Like many new managers, I felt like an imposter. I thought that asking for help would tarnish my reputation. I imagined partners and directors saying, "We hired you to tell us what to do, not to ask questions."

Of course, they never said anything like that. In fact, I was encouraged to ask questions, but I didn't feel comfortable to do so. I kept thinking about how I would look in their eyes, and I created a story about the repercussions in my mind that I thought was reality!

So I put on my superhero hat, like imposters do, and assumed I would solve all the problems on my own. Only, I didn't solve any problems on my own. I didn't know how processes worked. I didn't know how to communicate with my team, other departments or senior management. I didn't know how to lead myself, let alone lead anyone else.

Was I a bad manager? I didn't understand what the issue was. I also didn't know who to ask for help. I thought that achieving a certain level means that there isn’t more to learn. I thought that as a manager, I had reached the peak and eventually with lots of stress and pressure, I'd be the leader I thought I wanted to be. Like a diamond being shaped by immense pressure.

I watched many videos on leadership. I read books. I spoke with family and friends. I imagined myself as an impactful leader. But none of that worked.

If I had known better, I would have hired an executive coach to help me. But I was very far away from asking for help, let alone asking a stranger to support me.

Who is a leader?

I believed I was on my way out, but before that discussion ever happened, there was a restructuring in our department and we had a new leader. I was second in command, and I knew that I had to prove myself again. I put everything into it.

I worked closely with the new leader and learned about different leadership approaches. I learned about compassion, empathy, asking questions and slowly rebuilt my confidence. My performance started to improve and I was asked to manage my own department. I was thrilled about this change! I started holding team meetings, creating processes to help the department deliver on the expectations.

I spoke up more, because I was invited and asked to share my opinion. I was being led, and felt like I was learning to lead in return. I felt more comfortable letting go of certain tasks and trusting the team to deliver. That alone gave me the capacity to focus on other more meaningful things, like client management and market research.

I started noticing how my team was performing, and realized that a leader is not someone with a title. A leader is anyone who is willing to do the hard things, and inspire people to be their best. A leader is someone who asks for help. A leader is someone who puts others first. A leader is someone who says, "I want to achieve this", to inspire others, and when the job is done, says, "We achieved it together,” because it’s always a team effort.

A leader is someone who understands their own emotions, and the emotions of others. A leader is someone who knows how to read the room and is able to show emotions when it matters, and regulate themselves at other times.

A leader is someone who admits mistakes and learns from them. A leader is deemed a leader when he or she creates other leaders. I'd like to think that I was on my way to becoming that leader that I aspired to be when I was a manager. I started getting to know my team better. I wanted to help them become the best versions of themselves. I started sharing stories about leaders. I started listening more than speaking. I learned there was no end to learning. And that got me thinking:

What's the difference between a Manager and a Leader?

Reflecting on my experience, and with the insights that I have developed as an executive coach, I can now clearly see the difference between a manager and a leader. Here's the distinction, based on meta programs, a pattern I use in my coaching practice to spot how people orient themselves:

A manager is someone who operates in the present moment. That means that they prefer to get things done now, while having less concern about the future. When I was a first time manager, I didn’t care about helping others to learn and grow. I was focused on getting the work done. That’s all that mattered. But was it?

A manager is concentrated on following procedures and processes closely, without having the capacity to be creative to solve bigger problems.

A leader, on the other hand, is different.

Leaders operate while geared more towards the future. They have a vision and their actions inspire others to feel motivated and take more action. Leaders tend to think of others first, then themselves. They empathize with the people around them, use the environment to create opportunities and know that they are not a one-man show.

Most importantly, leaders do not need titles to lead. They have an innate ability to transform the people around them through inspiring behaviour, none of which I had when I was a first time manager.

In a nutshell, a manager is responsive because they manage what is happening. A leader is proactive because they are creating.

Why is it important to notice the difference between the two?

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result rarely works. And developing awareness of how we are behaving is the first step to acknowledging where we are, what's working and what needs to be done.

If I had to go back and talk to myself as a first time manager, this is the advice I’d tell myself:

Become aware of where you are

Before making a change, understand where you are. Start with a simple audit by rating yourself on a scale of 1 - 5 based on some criteria. Here are a sample of criteria to consider: Communication, Stress, Motivation, Decision Making, and Confidence.

Make a list of five leaders you admire

This is my list, no particular order: Nelson Mandela, Oprah Winfrey, José Moreno Hernández, my father, and Captain Jack Sparrow.

Study the leaders

Read about them. Imagine that you are them in the decisions that they are making. What are they thinking? What skills do they possess? How are they seeing the world? How do they see themselves? And why are they doing what they are doing?

Create your own mental board of directors

Imagine having weekly, monthly or quarterly meetings with your leaders. Discuss with them what is on your mind. Imagine their voices, what they are wearing, how they speak and live that imagination. Get close to them and listen carefully to what they are saying.

After a period of time, say six months, go back and re-do the audit.

For the highest impact, refrain from checking your initial score. Rate yourself again on all the metrics that you used. Be honest, this is a personal exercise that you alone are going through. Once completed, check how you've done.

For any metrics that you have improved, ask yourself: "What helped me?" For any criteria, if there are any that were worse, ask yourself, "What can I do to improve then?"

Putting all of this together

As an executive coach, leadership is a topic that I constantly cover with my clients. There are concepts and studies identifying certain leadership traits and behaviours. However, there isn't one right way to lead, and it all starts with leading yourself.

Staring at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself if you are a leader that you would follow will also give you an answer. That’s your gauge.

And if you want to truly amplify the effect of that question, or your own leadership journey, consider working with a mentor or a coach. They can guide you to develop your own leadership style, usually quicker and with practical tools to use along the way.